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Home Enough for Now

by Benjamin Daniel

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©ough©ool So much contained within this album, no words Favorite track: Flagstaff.
seekingthecity
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seekingthecity If Shelterheart is the Christian life summarized in a single album, Home Enough for Now is about grief in the life of the Christian. Though Daniel discusses places and circumstances many may not directly relate to, the pain, struggle, and doubt are all universal elements of this sinful life--perhaps no other album has discussed them with such raw clarity and honesty, and maybe none ever will. The hurt is real and the Savior is realer; Daniel laments the former while pointing to the latter. Favorite track: Charlize Theron (Death of a Diplomat).
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1.
(instrumental)
2.
Manna 03:44
Pick up the phone again and call my dad I'm half an orphan now and twice as sad Drove from the valley, left me wanting more Hills don't remember in the metaphor Funeral director for a high-priced death Passed on the body, couldn't waste my breath She'd hate to linger on her skin so long If she was here to say, she'd say it's all so wrong I try to take it in This desert as Your silence speaks out No green to comprehend Just manna for the moment Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment, not a minute later... Speed up the dirge, they need a joyful song Wish I could sing like there was nothing wrong How do I thank You for this daily bread When desert implies I'd rather just be dead? You drove the present tense Through my ribs so deep, I couldn't scream out Said, "Here will hurt a bit But here is but a moment" Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment, not a minute later... Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment... Manna for the moment, you can't get there any sooner... What's there to say here?
3.
Marrow 04:21
I'm lying in the pieces I wanna build a reason for the pain Until it's over If I could start the bleeding This time could there be meaning to the rain? I'll be your soldier The battlefield is in my mind I can see you You're gonna hate the things you find They're beneath you Violence is my only crown All I'll do is bring you down So I took up that dagger in my hand Protest of a desperate soul I cut my paper skin as deep as bone but Couldn't pierce the bone to the marrow The marrow... You've always loved a sad song There's nothing wrong with living in what's real Is something realer? When trauma turns to torture Don't wear that badge of honor like you'll heal Fearful feeler This cross you hang yourself upon It's not the loss that leads to gain The sadness never resurrects The rawness never kills the shame So let me take that dagger from your hand Cast it where we'll never go You pride yourself on how you bleed out slow but What will cut as far as the marrow? The marrow... Give an answer, hold me in silence Tell me I'm something more than the violence Cure the cancer, faith to my doubting Love like a fire and silence the shouting Word of Heaven, joint be divided Brothers in arms I'll be by His side with This my leaven: Made death my own Remind me Whose I am till I come home Come home...
4.
Adjustments 03:23
Sit at my desk, back is getting worse One more tally on the scorecard for the curse I'm growing more indifferent to the hearse But I'm still running Videos, they're crying from relief I've been growing stiffer in my grief If I had the green, you'd best believe I'd get adjusted Adjustments... Adjustments... Tyrants back in business, it's a sign If not of the end, it's of the fight Between all is well and nothing's right Where's justice? Cause the day we plant our calloused feet Vanity's a song that oft repeats Through the tired voice on our TVs "This just in" Adjustments... Adjustments... And Mama always worried about my spine And every other ailment of mine But she'd so many I had not the time To fight them And even if I live to ninety-nine Every day in joy and mirth and wine Life is still as quick as it's unkind We're dying Stop lying... Stop lying... Brother, we might not be middle-class I might never get alignment back Maybe there's still nothing that we lack It's rust, man But as the light floods into where we writhe If you're feeling blind, don't be surprised It just takes a while to let our eyes Adjust, man Adjustments... Adjustments...  
5.
In the light of day I was airing out my laundry Washed of color Right of way Went to all the suits You can't see my deluge for my dirt I run for what you want me to be See the sweat on my shirt Rite unweighed Stumble out the gate, guess I lose But I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up Mourning in first person Call it pride or see my broken bones My burden's my burden And God knows I'm no good on my own I need you to reach your hands Into my burned out heart American dreams be damned This engine won't self-start Just come and set your fire to my spark To be there when it's your turn in the dark I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up So think you could slow down for me When grace feels like a memory? I came out west to find my feet Then woke into a falling dream But still the Spirit finds that verse The pain don't mean that I'm accursed I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up  
6.
Enough of Me 03:45
Is there still enough of me for you? I'm terrified of one more thing to lose Don't wanna use the pain as an excuse There's a lot Are you all my best dreams coming true? Not sure why it's hard to get it through Grace is something I should be used to But I'm not Proof that I'd be better on my own Or proof that it's not good to be alone? I can't read the wasting in my bones I am lost Thorn in my flesh is as deep as my heart Beating broken before it had something to prove How will this end if I'm too tired to start? Baby, is there still enough of me? Is there still enough of me? Is there still enough of me for you? Maybe there's still time to get it back All the youth I'm not quite sure I had Maybe you're the key to all of that Are you there? I've every intention here to give All the life that I have left to live I'll steady myself should you walk in I'll prepare Perfect in weakness is somebody's strength So I'll carry that love till I can't feel the wounds Sweep you off your feet as my frame starts to fade You're for whom my broken heart will beat If that's what will come to be You won't even have to think it through Whether there's enough of me Is there still enough of me? Is there still enough of me for you?
7.
Open wide Let your throat loose a siren The storm's come for your bride I took the news in silence Suspended in a time Stripped of all but my vices I caught the closest flight She was gone when I arrived Don't you find it so inhumane How you can care for someone's body For years, then suddenly have no say? I would have covered it in spices And seen before they took her away And we'd avoid the awful prices I wish that I could feel anything But when it fell to pieces No floor was underneath us We weaponized the boards Tried in vain to fend off the serpent lord Now find me in the reaches... Fading away See it's height Like an omen of darkness Like a freight train a mile wide I knew we couldn't stop this I knew we couldn't hide Back in June, ICU Her blood pressure: "59" I was waking her all night Tell me, do I sound like a man When I'm all sad and sing in tenor? I've tried to run as hard as I can Until we reach the gates of splendor But maybe I don't need to get a grip Maybe I need to let You hold me still God, if I should let my heart slip If they won't catch it, I trust You will When I told You to crush me I said it sure You loved me Shall I suffer to die Young then leave them wondering why? If I'm a walking theodicy... What do I say? Our mom was born in Tulsa We couldn't keep her pulse up The cloud from '99 Tears through Oklahoma and through my mind Should I refuse to get up... Blow me away
8.
Someone come dig me up; resuscitate my hope My inner child has died; his loved one had to go I choke on a promise as the memory starts to fade Footfalls of my Sower fading far above this grave Tiller-torn and soil-kissed Lifeless as a little seed What it was ain't what it is But what it is ain't what will be Last night the steps returned; my heart burned with relief But lo, the water came to drown my last belief I could have called Him cruel, but called to mind instead How nothing has ever bloomed that hasn't first been dead Vineyards from former tombs to shame the garden bed Topsoil and to the stars Meekness of a redwood tree What I was ain't what I am But what I am ain't what I'll be
9.
Mother's Day 01:48
Mama, are you singing now? Abby sent a book to me on heaven Always brought those plastic flowers And you'd feign that same surprise Are you with your mother now? She's not been around since '97 Cried for both of you for hours Was I still three in your eyes? You loved, you loved, you loved, you loved You loved, you loved, you loved me Like no one has, like no one will Like no one does, you loved me I wish I'd spoke, not let you sleep If I could tell you one thing It's that this seed you planted deep Has not just grown for nothing Dad and I are driving West Gonna show him around California What you kept beneath your chest We're gonna carry that fire for ya
10.
Backspace on the doubtful dirge I know I'm in the middle of it This narrative my pen has purged Is the drowning in the riddle of it You took our surety for hate So dogged in your doubt Suffered wolves in your embrace I spent years keeping out I'm not disappointed, I'm disturbed If you knew what I know, any less is worse Should I be diplomatic in a hearse? Fall into the siren's charms Her ocean has no bottom of it Find your summer in her arms But never see the autumn of it Death can be a teacher When it shows us how it ends Say I'm such a preacher But I think I'm just your friend Fearmonger at his mother's grave Say to weep for you is no way to behave As if there's no stakes and no need to be saved Well, I met Charlize Theron at a house in Malibu She told me I'm awesome, then I left there with the truth That I was an attendant and if ever I'd attend I would still be unrepentant, buying time until the end Furthermore, I gave back that name When you went by it, I couldn't do the same I was slow to make an enemy of shame And we'll say the mansions missed it when He came So can this be my resume? Not trying to impress you with it I just can't be your happy face Or care if I distress you with it You hide your darkness with your pain Till both are all you've got Well, there are times we can't move on And times we can't afford to not Your trauma never was a special curse If it nulled that serpent bruised, you'd be the first Would you trade your perseverance for a purse?
11.
Groanings 02:47
There are groanings here too deep for words There's a certainty in the absurd And it holds us when we can't feel held And it reaches to our darkest hell Well, I drove my way past Ragged Point Numb from all that I had seen destroyed Since our family happened on this stone But now I drive the 1 alone Oh, I tried to pray... But all that came was... "Jesus..." Well, the Word I hold remains unread For the fire that burns within my head When I just can't choke down the bread Can you tell me what is left? Still, the Word I read's been reading me And His promises are feeding me Just enough to keep me breathing As I collapse within the cleft Of all I couldn't change... And all I could get out was, "Jesus..." And that's all I need to say
12.
Nate and I watched the sky From the California coast Talked about baseball and family tithes Former lives where we buried all our gold He saw my face fall like Freeman in Dodger blue, eyes a shade of Bravo red Thinking back on the move What he might have done instead Turn down the dark Memory takes me Was it my own head from the start Breaking my own heart? Or the world shaking? Is it just hard because it's hard? Gurney side, middle night Said they had to take it out Went in without those I love in sight Desolate times, but it's all I know about Resist the impulse to call my mom Something's wrong, but it's none of her concern Painkiller daze, laid in bed all week Couldn't weep, couldn't find a lesson learned Nothing to boast Near Agua Dulce Night drove like some unholy ghost Glimpsed a UFO Had nothing to say Stapled and silent as a stone There's no One left to hurt me If this is pain, I'm predisposed Should they take me home I'll know... I'll go... I know you're feeling stranded in the dark Circling the circle at the bottom of the question mark But this is not the sword that spells the doom This is not a backstab, just the scarring of a surgical wound Turn down the night Memory takes me Come bathe my head in glorious light God, what a sad sight All nature aching If it's not right, it's not alright I see red Oh, Great Physician Rip out the organ should it spread Love where the wound bled Bent down to listen This ain't the blood that leaves us dead
13.
Centurion 03:13
Two feet upon my head Dripping dark and vibrant red How was my soul to barter Wrapped in heavy Roman armor? My guilt was on my bed Was I quick as I was dead? His body brought a wonder As the earth was moving under Cease all the sorrow we have caused Surely this Man must have been the Son of God! Two plots for both my folks Where my one already sleeps Earth has me in a chokehold And it tightens by degrees Whose death has brought salvation here? What anguish wipes away my tears? Chainmail on the ground, I hold His feet And my heart begins to bleat Sweet peace in the cruelness of the dark If it held the world, can it not hold my heart? If the path most feared is where my best Friend trod If He meets His sheep there with His gentle rod All my doubts are gonna crumble with a nod Surely this Man must have been the Son of God!
14.
Flagstaff 05:10
What's there to say here? I am desperately undone And the world is all but gray here In this disenchanting sun I can't feel the Spirit It's enough to take me out And I'm scared if someone hears it All they'll hear will be my doubt Redemption finds me With my heart heavy on the ground And its laughter comforts me after But it can't seem to stick around So I can't seem to stick around Is it a mistake now To broadcast all I have When it's all composed of tears? I always watered it down To not make my mother sad Now it's all we could have feared The end's already here Sad songs, don't they belong? Can't I slow down for what has died? Why expect, then, any less than? Cause you stare like you're so surprised But should I sing what I can't speak Or should I swear, it's not to leave It's a bone throw, it's a last hope That you'll bolster my bruised belief That you'll uproot what's underneath Love, can you love me And take me all bloody? I don't want fame and don't care for money Spark to my tinder Embolden my ember I held for flame but death brought a cinder Don't think I'm lying So still in the dying I'm always on the brink but I'm trying Devil is cunning This dream life's becoming I've barely slept a wink, I've been running Drove with my dad north from Flagstaff Saw the clouds on the South Rim part When the Lord's hand in the canyon Tore the veil off His work of art Was a blizzard then a brilliance Where at first nothing could be seen Now some flag waves in its embrace Where His staff waits to comfort me Take me back... Help me keep living "Keep on, keep forgiving" The sun comes up, its heat unrelenting Why start a riot? The rage, I defy it The grief is quite enough, make me quiet How long, the losing? The heel knows the bruising This backroad was not mine for the choosing God, be the Friend of me I'm at the end of me Shall we crush the head of the enemy?
15.
Wrong Story 02:43
Coordinates in a suicide note A tragic end insincerely proposed So when I've gone missing, you'll be first to know So you'll get there before I get the courage to go Cause it's the wrong story now (I shrink back every time I get to the edge) Can't beat the glory out (Where do I get off living life on a ledge?) Love, come reclaim my heart I never had to come this far Do You still view my history The moments when I forget who I am? Somehow You don't use it against me But I can dig it up when I don't understand That it's the wrong story now (I want to breathe, yeah, I want to) Dust back into the ground (It's on my sleeve, how I've done You) Help me believe I'm found (The nightmares all coming untrue) I wanna live it out Oh, till I join the voice of the redeemed When I wake up from this tired dream And the exodus exceeds my groans Till the mourning is a milestone When You hear me, I know You know
16.
In the turn of a tide, I gasped for air Hollywood to the south, drove north To a highway side, too drained of despair To consummate such a great divorce Running car in the cold High Desert wind Shelterheart from the neon signs Bridegroom's love in three stars from Leonid Flared a promise, forever mine And His memory returns to me Out on the Lancaster plain Distant windmill lights near Tehachapi "Keep looking north," they say Couldn't dream another way At the gates of the great St. Francis Dam Just before the disaster came I was camped out with my guitar in hand With a flood like this, who needs rain? Knew the wave words would come the day she died But then that water succumbed to dirt And like a second hand drowning when it dries I survive just to choke on earth Said this one isn't like a broken leg It's the grief of an amputee I would take back that tangled limb instead Where at least it was there to scream Guess she thought it best that she leave us But this year has proved her so wrong So long as the clouds lay between us They will keep me up to the last "How long?" Till my eyes alight on a love so strong What's the point of singing songs? Eyes up from the highway side Searching the skies for some God-given bravery I'm messed up and I miss the fight Like a post-Egypt Israelite longing for slavery I drove up to that ruined dam All my friends absent as I tried to understand While they settled in for life She wept in ICU, I stayed to hold her hand Eyes up from the highway side My friend was bent in a head-on collision From one east to his westbound lights But now he's walking and I hear them talking Of wonders and the gift of life Thanking the Savior and Subaru maker As I drove through a canyon dark Tempting the cliffside to question my story arch Eyes down to the desert dirt Manna from heaven offsetting my leaven I take it because I know it's good God in the valley; the one thing I've understood Sure hands on my surest hurt: Lack of sensation, the numbness of nations Or states where all the wells run dry Till we'd do just about anything just to cry Eyes up from the highway side Running (or floating) on two phantom limbs It won't change and it won't help to try No pain or pleasure could grow those bones back again But look, here's a wonder yet Dismembered movement, I'm carried these miles in the dark Child, He does not forget Runs to the depths where we're reeling till nothing's too far Enters the wound where it's healing till nothing's too far Stands at the throne interceding where nothing's too far...
17.
I looked out on the valley from the cross Vantage point for everything I've lost My family has extended Sunday morn we're singing out This body breathes, there's land to plow I guess that this is home enough for now I feel content alone here in my car But wonder if someone could share this heart Perhaps You know and see her It's already planned out A present-written future vow I guess that this is home enough for now And some days I don't mind it if You stay Up there till we're grafted into place But days like these, my Jesus, I confess I'd take the knife to feel the tension less To never be alone or be at rest From this strange earth... I'm a stranger... But here atop this quiet ridge, I see Far enough to know You're good to me Go on and make me desolate Till You're all I'm not without Oh God, did I pray that out loud? I guess that this is home enough for now

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I guess that this is Home Enough for Now.

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released April 27, 2023

Album produced by Allen Odell

Album written and sung by Benjamin Daniel

Artwork by Benjamin Daniel, Allen Odell, & Julia Uyemori

Guest vocals by...

Skye Peterson ("Marrow")
Former Ruins ("Can't Keep Up")
Jacob Goins ("Surgical Wound")
Kenny & Claire ("Centurion")
Dylan Case White ("Wrong Story")
Matthew Kunz & Jess Arnds ("Intro")

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Benjamin Daniel Los Angeles, California

May Christ be exalted.

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