1. |
2:25am (Intro)
02:02
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(instrumental)
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2. |
Manna
03:44
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Pick up the phone again and call my dad
I'm half an orphan now and twice as sad
Drove from the valley, left me wanting more
Hills don't remember in the metaphor
Funeral director for a high-priced death
Passed on the body, couldn't waste my breath
She'd hate to linger on her skin so long
If she was here to say, she'd say it's all so wrong
I try to take it in
This desert as Your silence speaks out
No green to comprehend
Just manna for the moment
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment, not a minute later...
Speed up the dirge, they need a joyful song
Wish I could sing like there was nothing wrong
How do I thank You for this daily bread
When desert implies I'd rather just be dead?
You drove the present tense
Through my ribs so deep, I couldn't scream out
Said, "Here will hurt a bit
But here is but a moment"
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment, not a minute later...
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment...
Manna for the moment, you can't get there any sooner...
What's there to say here?
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3. |
Marrow
04:21
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I'm lying in the pieces
I wanna build a reason for the pain
Until it's over
If I could start the bleeding
This time could there be meaning to the rain?
I'll be your soldier
The battlefield is in my mind
I can see you
You're gonna hate the things you find
They're beneath you
Violence is my only crown
All I'll do is bring you down
So I took up that dagger in my hand
Protest of a desperate soul
I cut my paper skin as deep as bone but
Couldn't pierce the bone to the marrow
The marrow...
You've always loved a sad song
There's nothing wrong with living in what's real
Is something realer?
When trauma turns to torture
Don't wear that badge of honor like you'll heal
Fearful feeler
This cross you hang yourself upon
It's not the loss that leads to gain
The sadness never resurrects
The rawness never kills the shame
So let me take that dagger from your hand
Cast it where we'll never go
You pride yourself on how you bleed out slow but
What will cut as far as the marrow?
The marrow...
Give an answer, hold me in silence
Tell me I'm something more than the violence
Cure the cancer, faith to my doubting
Love like a fire and silence the shouting
Word of Heaven, joint be divided
Brothers in arms I'll be by His side with
This my leaven:
Made death my own
Remind me Whose I am till I come home
Come home...
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4. |
Adjustments
03:23
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Sit at my desk, back is getting worse
One more tally on the scorecard for the curse
I'm growing more indifferent to the hearse
But I'm still running
Videos, they're crying from relief
I've been growing stiffer in my grief
If I had the green, you'd best believe
I'd get adjusted
Adjustments...
Adjustments...
Tyrants back in business, it's a sign
If not of the end, it's of the fight
Between all is well and nothing's right
Where's justice?
Cause the day we plant our calloused feet
Vanity's a song that oft repeats
Through the tired voice on our TVs
"This just in"
Adjustments...
Adjustments...
And Mama always worried about my spine
And every other ailment of mine
But she'd so many I had not the time
To fight them
And even if I live to ninety-nine
Every day in joy and mirth and wine
Life is still as quick as it's unkind
We're dying
Stop lying...
Stop lying...
Brother, we might not be middle-class
I might never get alignment back
Maybe there's still nothing that we lack
It's rust, man
But as the light floods into where we writhe
If you're feeling blind, don't be surprised
It just takes a while to let our eyes
Adjust, man
Adjustments...
Adjustments...
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5. |
Can't Keep Up
02:48
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In the light of day
I was airing out my laundry
Washed of color
Right of way
Went to all the suits
You can't see my deluge for my dirt
I run for what you want me to be
See the sweat on my shirt
Rite unweighed
Stumble out the gate, guess I lose
But I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
Mourning in first person
Call it pride or see my broken bones
My burden's my burden
And God knows I'm no good on my own
I need you to reach your hands
Into my burned out heart
American dreams be damned
This engine won't self-start
Just come and set your fire to my spark
To be there when it's your turn in the dark
I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
So think you could slow down for me
When grace feels like a memory?
I came out west to find my feet
Then woke into a falling dream
But still the Spirit finds that verse
The pain don't mean that I'm accursed
I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
I don't disbelieve, I just can't keep up
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6. |
Enough of Me
03:45
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Is there still enough of me for you?
I'm terrified of one more thing to lose
Don't wanna use the pain as an excuse
There's a lot
Are you all my best dreams coming true?
Not sure why it's hard to get it through
Grace is something I should be used to
But I'm not
Proof that I'd be better on my own
Or proof that it's not good to be alone?
I can't read the wasting in my bones
I am lost
Thorn in my flesh is as deep as my heart
Beating broken before it had something to prove
How will this end if I'm too tired to start?
Baby, is there still enough of me?
Is there still enough of me?
Is there still enough of me for you?
Maybe there's still time to get it back
All the youth I'm not quite sure I had
Maybe you're the key to all of that
Are you there?
I've every intention here to give
All the life that I have left to live
I'll steady myself should you walk in
I'll prepare
Perfect in weakness is somebody's strength
So I'll carry that love till I can't feel the wounds
Sweep you off your feet as my frame starts to fade
You're for whom my broken heart will beat
If that's what will come to be
You won't even have to think it through
Whether there's enough of me
Is there still enough of me?
Is there still enough of me for you?
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7. |
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Open wide
Let your throat loose a siren
The storm's come for your bride
I took the news in silence
Suspended in a time
Stripped of all but my vices
I caught the closest flight
She was gone when I arrived
Don't you find it so inhumane
How you can care for someone's body
For years, then suddenly have no say?
I would have covered it in spices
And seen before they took her away
And we'd avoid the awful prices
I wish that I could feel anything
But when it fell to pieces
No floor was underneath us
We weaponized the boards
Tried in vain to fend off the serpent lord
Now find me in the reaches...
Fading away
See it's height
Like an omen of darkness
Like a freight train a mile wide
I knew we couldn't stop this
I knew we couldn't hide
Back in June, ICU
Her blood pressure: "59"
I was waking her all night
Tell me, do I sound like a man
When I'm all sad and sing in tenor?
I've tried to run as hard as I can
Until we reach the gates of splendor
But maybe I don't need to get a grip
Maybe I need to let You hold me still
God, if I should let my heart slip
If they won't catch it, I trust You will
When I told You to crush me
I said it sure You loved me
Shall I suffer to die
Young then leave them wondering why?
If I'm a walking theodicy...
What do I say?
Our mom was born in Tulsa
We couldn't keep her pulse up
The cloud from '99
Tears through Oklahoma and through my mind
Should I refuse to get up...
Blow me away
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8. |
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Someone come dig me up; resuscitate my hope
My inner child has died; his loved one had to go
I choke on a promise as the memory starts to fade
Footfalls of my Sower fading far above this grave
Tiller-torn and soil-kissed
Lifeless as a little seed
What it was ain't what it is
But what it is ain't what will be
Last night the steps returned; my heart burned with relief
But lo, the water came to drown my last belief
I could have called Him cruel, but called to mind instead
How nothing has ever bloomed that hasn't first been dead
Vineyards from former tombs to shame the garden bed
Topsoil and to the stars
Meekness of a redwood tree
What I was ain't what I am
But what I am ain't what I'll be
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9. |
Mother's Day
01:48
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Mama, are you singing now?
Abby sent a book to me on heaven
Always brought those plastic flowers
And you'd feign that same surprise
Are you with your mother now?
She's not been around since '97
Cried for both of you for hours
Was I still three in your eyes?
You loved, you loved, you loved, you loved
You loved, you loved, you loved me
Like no one has, like no one will
Like no one does, you loved me
I wish I'd spoke, not let you sleep
If I could tell you one thing
It's that this seed you planted deep
Has not just grown for nothing
Dad and I are driving West
Gonna show him around California
What you kept beneath your chest
We're gonna carry that fire for ya
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10. |
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Backspace on the doubtful dirge
I know I'm in the middle of it
This narrative my pen has purged
Is the drowning in the riddle of it
You took our surety for hate
So dogged in your doubt
Suffered wolves in your embrace
I spent years keeping out
I'm not disappointed, I'm disturbed
If you knew what I know, any less is worse
Should I be diplomatic in a hearse?
Fall into the siren's charms
Her ocean has no bottom of it
Find your summer in her arms
But never see the autumn of it
Death can be a teacher
When it shows us how it ends
Say I'm such a preacher
But I think I'm just your friend
Fearmonger at his mother's grave
Say to weep for you is no way to behave
As if there's no stakes and no need to be saved
Well, I met Charlize Theron at a house in Malibu
She told me I'm awesome, then I left there with the truth
That I was an attendant and if ever I'd attend
I would still be unrepentant, buying time until the end
Furthermore, I gave back that name
When you went by it, I couldn't do the same
I was slow to make an enemy of shame
And we'll say the mansions missed it when He came
So can this be my resume?
Not trying to impress you with it
I just can't be your happy face
Or care if I distress you with it
You hide your darkness with your pain
Till both are all you've got
Well, there are times we can't move on
And times we can't afford to not
Your trauma never was a special curse
If it nulled that serpent bruised, you'd be the first
Would you trade your perseverance for a purse?
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11. |
Groanings
02:47
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There are groanings here too deep for words
There's a certainty in the absurd
And it holds us when we can't feel held
And it reaches to our darkest hell
Well, I drove my way past Ragged Point
Numb from all that I had seen destroyed
Since our family happened on this stone
But now I drive the 1 alone
Oh, I tried to pray...
But all that came was...
"Jesus..."
Well, the Word I hold remains unread
For the fire that burns within my head
When I just can't choke down the bread
Can you tell me what is left?
Still, the Word I read's been reading me
And His promises are feeding me
Just enough to keep me breathing
As I collapse within the cleft
Of all I couldn't change...
And all I could get out was,
"Jesus..."
And that's all I need to say
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12. |
Surgical Wound
04:37
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Nate and I watched the sky
From the California coast
Talked about baseball and family tithes
Former lives where we buried all our gold
He saw my face fall like Freeman in
Dodger blue, eyes a shade of Bravo red
Thinking back on the move
What he might have done instead
Turn down the dark
Memory takes me
Was it my own head from the start
Breaking my own heart?
Or the world shaking?
Is it just hard because it's hard?
Gurney side, middle night
Said they had to take it out
Went in without those I love in sight
Desolate times, but it's all I know about
Resist the impulse to call my mom
Something's wrong, but it's none of her concern
Painkiller daze, laid in bed all week
Couldn't weep, couldn't find a lesson learned
Nothing to boast
Near Agua Dulce
Night drove like some unholy ghost
Glimpsed a UFO
Had nothing to say
Stapled and silent as a stone
There's no
One left to hurt me
If this is pain, I'm predisposed
Should they take me home
I'll know...
I'll go...
I know you're feeling stranded in the dark
Circling the circle at the bottom of the question mark
But this is not the sword that spells the doom
This is not a backstab, just the scarring of a surgical wound
Turn down the night
Memory takes me
Come bathe my head in glorious light
God, what a sad sight
All nature aching
If it's not right, it's not alright
I see red
Oh, Great Physician
Rip out the organ should it spread
Love where the wound bled
Bent down to listen
This ain't the blood that leaves us dead
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13. |
Centurion
03:13
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Two feet upon my head
Dripping dark and vibrant red
How was my soul to barter
Wrapped in heavy Roman armor?
My guilt was on my bed
Was I quick as I was dead?
His body brought a wonder
As the earth was moving under
Cease all the sorrow we have caused
Surely this Man must have been the Son of God!
Two plots for both my folks
Where my one already sleeps
Earth has me in a chokehold
And it tightens by degrees
Whose death has brought salvation here?
What anguish wipes away my tears?
Chainmail on the ground, I hold His feet
And my heart begins to bleat
Sweet peace in the cruelness of the dark
If it held the world, can it not hold my heart?
If the path most feared is where my best Friend trod
If He meets His sheep there with His gentle rod
All my doubts are gonna crumble with a nod
Surely this Man must have been the Son of God!
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14. |
Flagstaff
05:10
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What's there to say here?
I am desperately undone
And the world is all but gray here
In this disenchanting sun
I can't feel the Spirit
It's enough to take me out
And I'm scared if someone hears it
All they'll hear will be my doubt
Redemption finds me
With my heart heavy on the ground
And its laughter comforts me after
But it can't seem to stick around
So I can't seem to stick around
Is it a mistake now
To broadcast all I have
When it's all composed of tears?
I always watered it down
To not make my mother sad
Now it's all we could have feared
The end's already here
Sad songs, don't they belong?
Can't I slow down for what has died?
Why expect, then, any less than?
Cause you stare like you're so surprised
But should I sing what I can't speak
Or should I swear, it's not to leave
It's a bone throw, it's a last hope
That you'll bolster my bruised belief
That you'll uproot what's underneath
Love, can you love me
And take me all bloody?
I don't want fame and don't care for money
Spark to my tinder
Embolden my ember
I held for flame but death brought a cinder
Don't think I'm lying
So still in the dying
I'm always on the brink but I'm trying
Devil is cunning
This dream life's becoming
I've barely slept a wink, I've been running
Drove with my dad north from Flagstaff
Saw the clouds on the South Rim part
When the Lord's hand in the canyon
Tore the veil off His work of art
Was a blizzard then a brilliance
Where at first nothing could be seen
Now some flag waves in its embrace
Where His staff waits to comfort me
Take me back...
Help me keep living
"Keep on, keep forgiving"
The sun comes up, its heat unrelenting
Why start a riot?
The rage, I defy it
The grief is quite enough, make me quiet
How long, the losing?
The heel knows the bruising
This backroad was not mine for the choosing
God, be the Friend of me
I'm at the end of me
Shall we crush the head of the enemy?
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15. |
Wrong Story
02:43
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Coordinates in a suicide note
A tragic end insincerely proposed
So when I've gone missing, you'll be first to know
So you'll get there before I get the courage to go
Cause it's the wrong story now
(I shrink back every time I get to the edge)
Can't beat the glory out
(Where do I get off living life on a ledge?)
Love, come reclaim my heart
I never had to come this far
Do You still view my history
The moments when I forget who I am?
Somehow You don't use it against me
But I can dig it up when I don't understand
That it's the wrong story now
(I want to breathe, yeah, I want to)
Dust back into the ground
(It's on my sleeve, how I've done You)
Help me believe I'm found
(The nightmares all coming untrue)
I wanna live it out
Oh, till I join the voice of the redeemed
When I wake up from this tired dream
And the exodus exceeds my groans
Till the mourning is a milestone
When You hear me, I know You know
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16. |
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In the turn of a tide, I gasped for air
Hollywood to the south, drove north
To a highway side, too drained of despair
To consummate such a great divorce
Running car in the cold High Desert wind
Shelterheart from the neon signs
Bridegroom's love in three stars from Leonid
Flared a promise, forever mine
And His memory returns to me
Out on the Lancaster plain
Distant windmill lights near Tehachapi
"Keep looking north," they say
Couldn't dream another way
At the gates of the great St. Francis Dam
Just before the disaster came
I was camped out with my guitar in hand
With a flood like this, who needs rain?
Knew the wave words would come the day she died
But then that water succumbed to dirt
And like a second hand drowning when it dries
I survive just to choke on earth
Said this one isn't like a broken leg
It's the grief of an amputee
I would take back that tangled limb instead
Where at least it was there to scream
Guess she thought it best that she leave us
But this year has proved her so wrong
So long as the clouds lay between us
They will keep me up to the last "How long?"
Till my eyes alight on a love so strong
What's the point of singing songs?
Eyes up from the highway side
Searching the skies for some God-given bravery
I'm messed up and I miss the fight
Like a post-Egypt Israelite longing for slavery
I drove up to that ruined dam
All my friends absent as I tried to understand
While they settled in for life
She wept in ICU, I stayed to hold her hand
Eyes up from the highway side
My friend was bent in a head-on collision
From one east to his westbound lights
But now he's walking and I hear them talking
Of wonders and the gift of life
Thanking the Savior and Subaru maker
As I drove through a canyon dark
Tempting the cliffside to question my story arch
Eyes down to the desert dirt
Manna from heaven offsetting my leaven
I take it because I know it's good
God in the valley; the one thing I've understood
Sure hands on my surest hurt:
Lack of sensation, the numbness of nations
Or states where all the wells run dry
Till we'd do just about anything just to cry
Eyes up from the highway side
Running (or floating) on two phantom limbs
It won't change and it won't help to try
No pain or pleasure could grow those bones back again
But look, here's a wonder yet
Dismembered movement, I'm carried these miles in the dark
Child, He does not forget
Runs to the depths where we're reeling till nothing's too far
Enters the wound where it's healing till nothing's too far
Stands at the throne interceding where nothing's too far...
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17. |
Home Enough (for Now)
03:53
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I looked out on the valley from the cross
Vantage point for everything I've lost
My family has extended
Sunday morn we're singing out
This body breathes, there's land to plow
I guess that this is home enough for now
I feel content alone here in my car
But wonder if someone could share this heart
Perhaps You know and see her
It's already planned out
A present-written future vow
I guess that this is home enough for now
And some days I don't mind it if You stay
Up there till we're grafted into place
But days like these, my Jesus, I confess
I'd take the knife to feel the tension less
To never be alone or be at rest
From this strange earth...
I'm a stranger...
But here atop this quiet ridge, I see
Far enough to know You're good to me
Go on and make me desolate
Till You're all I'm not without
Oh God, did I pray that out loud?
I guess that this is home enough for now
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